As a geriatric caseworker, I suggest the following ideas:

- Make sure everyone in your home - children, you and your spouse and your elderly parents - has some time alone and together.- Treat elderly parents with dignity and allow them as much independence as is safely possible. Talk to them, listen to them, visit with them, keep them informed of family affairs, do for them only what they cannot do for themselves.

- Take them to a doctor for a physical if you notice any drastic personality changes.

- Recognize that what is right for one family may not be right for another. No single answer exists to the challenges of caring for aged parents. There is a time for Grandpa to read to the little ones, for Grandma to live in her home, for you to care for them, and for you to realize when you can no longer care for them.

- Don't sell the homestead and divide up all her belongings the first time Mom has to go to the hospital with a broken hip or a bout of pneumonia. As it is with children, overprotection can be just as devastating and damaging to older adults.

- Remember the last time you left a stove burner on or forgot to take your medicine. Did the family all gather for a conference and decide to get guardianship to protect you? - Barbara Stockwell, Springfield, Ore.

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How we did it:

Spent summers with us

My aged mother lived 2,000 miles away, but we helped care for her by doing the following:

- Invited her for 11 years to stay with us two or three months every summer.

- Planned our vacation those years to include her.

- Spent hours listening to her history.

- Served her breakfast in bed each morning.

- Included her in our Church meetings and other activities. - Sister Margaret Procter, South Carolina Columbia Mission

If living far away

The local family member (caregiver) often shoulders a disproportionate load. But family members living far away can do some of the following:

- Communicate closely with an elderly parent by phone or letters. A weekly phone call at a designated time give Grandma something to anticipate.

- Check often with the caregiver to find out parents' situation. Give love, support and encouragement to the caregiver.

- Gain a better understanding of aging. Current information is available in bookstores, libraries, area agencies on aging and from the American Association of Retired People. At these places, you can learn about the many resources available in the care of the elderly. Many of these programs may be new. Learn about retirement homes, nursing homes and senior citizen programs. - Name withheld, Utah

Be frank and open

As an employee in a shelter home where a considerable percentage of the residents are Latter-day Saints, I have learned the following:

- Elderly adjust better when they can understand why change is necessary. Be frank and open. Plan the future. Do what is needed before the parent can no longer comprehend what is happening.

- Accept a role reversal as a natural part of life. A child may need to become the dominant one. We love our teenagers when we set limits, and we love our mom when we help her to do what is best for everyone. - Deann Bateman, Idaho Falls, Idaho

Know your limits

In the last 1 1/2 years, I have learned the following in caring for aged parents:

- Know what you can and cannot do. Don't be forced into what you can't do by feeling of guilt.

- Meet the needs of both parents. The well parent will need help with decisions and financial matters. They both need extra emotional support.

- Expect advice in large quantities.

- Counsel with your bishop and a social worker.

- Attend "parenting your parent" classes. - Gwen Herker, Des Moines, Iowa

Give them responsibility

My grandmother is 87 years old and has lived with us for six months of every year since 1966. Her sight is failing and her mind is not as sharp as it once was, but she still has tasks that are her responsibility to perform daily. Sometimes it's hard for my parents to make time for themselves, but it is necessary when living with an elderly person on a daily basis. Gram, too, needs some time to herself, and she shouldn't be made to feel that she has to be babysat constantly. A drive to get an ice cream cone or a day at one of her grandchildren's homes provides a change of scenery for Gram and some needed time alone for my parents. - Dede Ard, Cincinnati, Ohio

Split up responsibility

Our mother put our needs first when we were young, and we now put her needs first. My sister Louisa handles most of the paperwork and legal matters, and I take care of Mother's physical needs at home. She must have clean clothes and sheets at all times, nourishing meals and plenty of rest. - Virginia Jaracz, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

Set up room for her

Our mother lived with us for the last six years of her life. We tried to help her feel independent by providing a room of her own with some of her furniture. She used her room as a place for "quiet time," but not seclusion from the family. We tried to show love for her and make her feel welcome by including her in our family activities, meal times and family home evenings. - Gary and Karin Carpenter, Clearfield, Utah

Helped fulfill dreams

If parents - no matter what their ages - have an unfulfilled dream, do what you can to help bring it to pass.

Second, encourage parents to do the things they love. Third, urge them to stay in touch with old friends. During the last few years of her life, Mama was severely crippled by arthritis and almost blind. She had me prepare a large card with the telephone numbers of her friends. She could then call them without struggling to find the numbers. Shortly before she died, I dialed for her, so she could say goodbye to five friends. Also help her attend Church as long as possible. - Sue A. Osbourn, Waveland, Miss.

Put in their place

By treating your parents or grandparents as you imagined you were treated when you were children, you can accomplish much. I've always enjoyed a party or celebration, so I plan things for them. Whether the gift is a hair barrette or a tooth brush, it is a special occasion. The celebration can proceed with a cupcake or frozen yogurt. All is done with a cheerful tone in your voice and a smile on your face, even when you are tired. - Marilyn Dimmick, Rufus, Ore.

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How to checklist:

1. Divide responsibilities for aged parents among siblings.

2. Give parents regular tasks to perform as long as possible.

3. Be realistic in what you can and can't do for them.

4. Learn more about aging from books, professionals.

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WRITE TO US:

Aug. 27 "How to encourage and increase reverence in Church meetings."

Sept. 3 "How to overcome an addiction to TV sports."

Sept. 10 "How to appreciate and preserve the beauties of nature."

Sept. 17 "How to supplement the family income without leaving the home."

Sept. 24 "How to resolve disputes without litigation."

Oct. 1 "How to retain spiritual perspective in an academic setting."

Oct. 15 "How to capture the attention and interest of youths in teaching."

Oct. 22 "How to maintain close ties with elderly family and friends living in nursing homes."

Oct. 29 "How to put together a useful, appropriate package that a missionary would appreciate."

Nov. 5 "How to plan and prepare nutritious and economical meals."

Have you had good experiences or practical success in any of the above subjects? Share them with our readers in about 100-150 words. Write the "How-to" editor, Church News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, Utah 84110. Contributions may be edited or excerpted and will not be returned. Material must be received at least 12 days before publication date.