Recently a young woman stopped in my office on her way to San Diego. She explained with some emotion that she was going to live with her grandmother because, as she put it, "My mom won't talk to me and my mom won't listen."

In a recent attitude survey, young people were asked, "If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?" Their responses revealed their highest priority - they would change their family relationships through closer communication. As one young person told me, "I would like to be able to talk to my parents the way I talk to my friends. I would like my parents to listen to what I say. I would like my parents to value my opinions the way my friends value my opinions."To value a person's opinion does not necessarily mean always agreeing, but rather gives an indication of valuing the person.

I felt the plea of that young person to be in touch, to feel valued and recognized, and to share not only knowledge but also feelings with parents. A United Press International report of Dec. 13, 1991, tells of "a growing feeling of worthlessness and isolation among teenagers." It seems that in the period of their life in which their identity is emerging and crucial decisions regarding their behavior are taking place, they often feel the most lonely. If their communication with parents and caring adults is strong during this period, they may be protected from experiencing a sense of rejection that can cause feelings of hostility leading to aggressive behavior and alienation from self and others, or the reaction may lead to withdrawal, delinquency or even a mental breakdown.

When communication with parents during these crucial years is open and ongoing, young people will have a better opportunity to explore and test their emerging identity, reason together and learn the process for making responsible decisions.

When parents and caring adults give validation, reinforcement and feedback, young people are more apt to feel supported and are helped to adjust their course when necessary. At their best, parents and adults can provide a cheering section that helps lift youth to their greater potential.

Effective communication between parents and youth is never totally accomplished. Communication is an everchanging process. It does involve a number of skills that are relatively easy to learn and apply.

From my experience in relating to young people, I find it important to have eye contact when we talk. The eyes reveal feelings - confidence, disappointment, anxiety, excitement. I hope they see patience, trust and understanding in mine. I try to listen without interrupting, to wait for them to respond (it sometimes takes a while) and to answer with open questions. I find that if adults agree too quickly in conversation with youth, it stops the flow of communication and the young people feel as though we already know it all. If we immediately disagree with what is said, a conflict is created, a wall goes up and they will usually stop talking. When we listen because we are genuinely interested and simply inquire and ask for more information, they feel an indication of trust, care and value.

Young people are in a period of tremendous change and growth. An attitude of accepting and even appreciating and valuing changing behavior is essential to a healthy relationship with each other. Human beings are dynamic, ever-changing and in the process of becoming. The unexpected and unpredictable behavior of youth during this time can be so frustrating that parents and adults may often reject them just when the teen needs their support the most. Part of the nature of this age is to try out different ways of behaving as well as different hairstyles and dress and to test limits and boundaries at school and at home. The more unsteady a young person behaves during this growth process, the steadier parents and adults need to be in interacting with them. It may seem at times (for youth and adults) like doing a balancing act on a rollercoaster, but we can still enjoy the ride as we go.

Sometimes parents experience a conflict when they want to keep thinking of their children as they were, or as they should be - but not as they are. There is some sadness in leaving the child behind and welcoming a more independent thinking young adult into the family circle. But this is all a part of the vital, exciting process of becoming. We can develop an attitude of acceptance, expectation and of learning from this changing, growing teen as he or she contributes to the family.

As we work daily to keep the channels of communication open with our youth, we can try a little more teaching and less preaching, more listening and less lecturing, and more discussions with less demands. We can think of improving our communication as a continuing process where the consequence of even a small effort applied consistently is multiplied many times. I still see the pleading in the eyes of my young friend: "I would like to be able to talk to my parents. I would like my parents to listen to what I say."

- Ardeth G. Kapp was released at April general conference as Young Women general president after having served eight years. She was released to serve with her husband, Heber B. Kapp, who has been called to preside over the Canada Vancouver Mission.