During my divorce, I decided that I would always strive to maintain a relationship with my former husband's family so that my children could have valuable and rewarding memories and experiences with all of their family. This has taken prayer and effort to maintain. My children deserve a full life with all their family regardless of the differences their father and I have had. So to help preserve their memories and experiences with their family, I keep a family history book with pictures, letters and I also have videotapes. Keeping in touch, whether by letter, phone or contact where possible, is absolutely invaluable.

Their grandparents live a great distance away, so I combine our activities from several videos onto one video and send copies of that video to them about every six months. This is time consuming, however it lets them and helps them to be a part of their grandchildren's lives.There are three factors that I feel will help maintain such family relationships after a divorce:

- Realize your children deserve a full family life with both families and both parents regardless of what the differences were or are between the parents.

- Never talk bad about the other parent. Children at some point will believe they are part of someone who is just as you said; this is damaging to their self-esteem.

- Always pray for support and acceptance from the entire family for the efforts of maintaining memories and experiences that the children would otherwise lose.

This is working for us, and I am so very pleased that my children are able to to enjoy their cultures and families, and grow up with invaluable memories and experiences they have had and will continue to have. - Candis Firchau, Houston, Texas

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No disparaging remarks

The following have allowed me and my son to stay close to my former husband's family:

- Being available to be of service to them on an on-going basis.

- Being appreciative of their service in our behalf.

- Sharing special occasions together as a family. I've never felt that I was an outsider at these events.

- Being cautious about what I may say about my former husband - no disparaging remarks.

- Being prayerful at all times.

Since my divorce, my former husband's family has been a blessing in my life. We have all been able to carry on with love and appreciation for each other. - Karla Luedtke, Pocatello, Idaho

Kindness is virtue

To maintain good relationships, my former husband, Ron, and I never spoke disparagingly of each other. Neither of us made unreasonable demands. The children and later grandchildren knew that we honestly liked each other; that it was just the marriage that didn't work out, and it was not the kids' fault.

I made the extra effort to see that Ron didn't forget someone's birthday and that he also was remembered on holidays with a card or a call. I sent friendly newsy letters to him and to his parents keeping them updated on what was going on when we were separated by many miles. They got pictures regularly. They were invited to weddings and came. They were made to feel welcome and not the "odd-man-out."

When any of us are nearby, we make sure to visit personally, always calling first to make sure it is a good time.

Being kind is a virtue. Besides, we are Christians and only followed Christ's example of loving one another, no matter what circumstances we find in this journey through life. - Jo Anne Miller Volak, Cedar Rapids, Iowa

Keep them informed

We have remained friends with former mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law as they are still the children's grandparents. I send school pictures and news clippings and write letters to keep them informed of the activities and accomplishments of the grandchildren. - Susan Harrison, Eureka, Nev.

Love is the key

My former sister-in-law and I are more like close-knit sisters, even after many years. We communicate by telephone and letters. My former daughter-in-law still calls me "Mom." She calls and writes often. Her son is my step-grandson. He still calls me "Gran'ma." I include notes to him in my letters to his mother.

Love is the key. Divorce is painful, but with the saving grace of our Lord and His forgiveness, the ache will erase in one's heart, and your family can still remain close. - Marie W. Stealey, Tigard, Ore.

Don't bad-mouth

I will always be grateful to my lawyer for instructing me to not bad-mouth my ex-husband to the children. He explained that the children were capable of learning the good and bad about him on their own. I think that this attitude has not only enabled the children to make their own judgments, but it has also set the stage for them to be more trusting of his relatives and their step-father. - Name withheld

Unfair to limit

For my part, I have entered missionary letters into a home computer so copies can be easily sent to all the grandparents and to my son's father. Grandparents need their grandchildren, and it is unfair to limit their contact because a split in family relations happens with parents. - Leslie Miles, Arvada, Colo.

Soul-searching

My daughter, Sarah, asked that her father and his family attend her high school commencement exercises. Thank goodness she gave us nearly a year to prepare. Though I had let my daughter visit him from time to time, I had not seen my former husband for 18 years. It required a good deal of soul searching and counseling for me to be ready for that encounter.

The communication between former spouses opened with letters. Later, there were phone calls. When the family finally arrived, I was still barely ready emotionally for the experience.

On graduation day, two sets of parents and one child posed for a picture. Sarah stood between her father and me. I don't know how it happened, but we reached out and shook hands and Sarah laid her hand on top of ours. If it hadn't been for Sarah, I would have lived out my life in bitterness. Her graduation present turned out to be one of the greatest gifts I have ever received! - Jessie E. Turner, Portland, Ore.

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How to checklist:

1. Overcome bitterness; be kind, forgiving.

2. Don't speak ill of former spouse, this can damage children's self-esteem.

3. Share special occasions together as a family.

4. Realize children have right to family life; don't limit contact with grandparents, others.

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Write to us:

Aug. 5 "How to be aware of and attentive to the needs and feelings of your spouse."

Aug. 12 "How to make the transition easier both physically and emotionally when moving to a new area."

Aug. 19 "How to help your children be enthusiastic about the new school year."

Aug. 26 "How to be sensitive in your efforts as a member-missionary."

Sept. 2 "How to find comfort after the death of a pet."

Sept. 9 "How to find positive direction, focus in your life."

Had any good experiences or practical success in any of the above subjects? Share them with our readers in about 100-150 words. Write the "How-to" editor, Church News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, Utah 84110, or send fax to (801) 237-2121. Please include a name and phone number. Contributions may be edited or excerpted and will not be returned. Due to limited space, some contributions may not be used; those used should not be regarded as official Church doctrine or policy. Material must be received at least 12 days before publication date.