I strive for the following:

- Initiate frequent visits. In addition, I strive to attend family reunions even when my husband can't attend. This has shown my in-laws that I genuinely care about getting together with them.- Involve them in our family life through regular phone visits. This has established a foundation that we are building upon.

- Write letters that include photographs, report cards and children's drawings. This stimulates reciprocal phone calls and letters. In addition, we have the children write thank-you notes for gifts.

- Discuss with our children what life was like for their father's parents and the kinds of activities my husband did with them. This can be an expression of my respect for my in-laws and lets them know I realize the importance of their relationship with their grandchildren.

- Express how grateful I am to be a member of their family. This seems to delight them.

- Make them feel appreciated and welcome in our home. Invite them often and for special events like baptisms. While together, ask for their expertise in gardening, canning, etc. This has built bridges.

- Make the guest room extra special. Have special touches such as a new coat of paint, fresh flowers, a fresh fruit bowl, interesting and appropriate reading material, and nice stationery.

- Foster understanding in my relationship with my parents-in-law. Remind myself that I, too, will probably one day be a mother-in-law. - Lisa O. Feltis, Pullman, Wash.

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What we did:

Respect differences

To bring "relief" to in-law problems, I suggest the following:

- Respect. See your parents-in-law as the people they are, and, in doing so, you will learn to respect their differences. Remember that the connection that made you in-laws is that you both love the same person.

- Engagement. Be willing to connect with your in-laws and to give them a fair hearing. In-laws bring different outlooks and opinions into the family. It is OK to agree to disagree.

- Loyalty. Don't expect to be called Mom and Dad. New family members sometimes feel that giving you this familial name is disloyal to their biological parents.

- Initiative. Take the lead in discussing and generating new options and ideas around holidays and special events. Expectations of in-laws at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day and Easter are hotbeds for in-law conflict. Therefore, many in-laws welcome creative alternatives.

- Empowerment. Honor and empower your parents-in-law by showing respect for the older generation. See them as experienced advisers. Honor your children-in-law by allowing them to make their own mistakes, and, as experienced advisers, give unsolicited advice sparingly.

- Forgiveness. We all make mistakes, especially during times of change and crisis. Give up those old stories of in-law slights and rejection. It is never too late to risk a change by asking for forgiveness. - Gloria Call Horsley, San Francisco, Calif.

Say nothing negative

I have six daughters-in-law. They each know I have never said any negative thing about the other five. They should trust me to not tear them down in any way. If any kind of conflict arises among the family, I gently point out that only when we are perfect can we correct the faults of others. - Gwen Sutton Robinson, Newdale, Idaho

Eternal relations

Go to the temple with them. In my experience, my sister and I had dreamed since childhood of serving missions at the same time. When the time came, she told me to send in my papers, that she would wait awhile. I felt my dream had been shattered.

Then my brother-in-law, Darren, gave my sister a "new mission" to accomplish. I began going to the Provo Temple with Darren weekly. It helped me realize how Darren really is my eternal brother. I couldn't call Darren my brother-in-law. He had become my older brother! - Elder Joseph Louis Butler, Brazil Curitiba Mission

Share experiences

I believe developing good relationships with in-laws begins with genuine desire and a lot of shared life experiences.

I love my own family very deeply. Even though they live 2,000 miles away, I'm in such constant communication that our lives are closely intertwined.

My greatest desire when I do marry will be to have a similar relationship with "his" family - sharing thoughts and feelings, seeking advice, spending time, really involving myself actively in their lives, thereby involving them in my own. This will be a wonderful dimension to my marriage, and I will definitely petition the Lord for those life experiences that will create rich memories and deep bonds between us.

I think the Lord wants that too. Ultimately, He'll help us have anything we're really willing to work for that's worth having. - Michelle Nash, Pasadena, Calif.

Fabric of family

When our daughters married, we assured our sons-in-law that they are now our children; we love and accept them. It goes both ways; they've joined in our family traditions and call us Mom and Dad. Their personalities and testimonies strengthen the fabric of our family, and we are richer with them as a part of us. - Pam Williams, Richfield, Utah

Call, visit frequently

I have been blessed with truly great in-laws. We love and appreciate each other for several reasons. First, I respect them as parents of my eternal companion. Not only did my wife join my family, but I also joined hers. I have always made it a point from our engagement to refer to them as Mother and Father and address them as such.

Second, I make it a point to call them frequently and to visit them when I am in their town.

From the first, our friendship developed into love. I try not to ever refer to them as "in-laws" but as my wife's parents. Having an eternal perspective also helps me to continue in that love for them. - Brent F. Ross, Las Vegas, Nev.

Involve in-laws

We live many miles from my in-laws, so we try to keep them involved in our lives by regular letters and phone calls.

When they come to visit, we concentrate our time and efforts on doing whatever they choose. Over the years, I've learned what's important to them and try to acknowledge those things whenever the situation occurs.

They reared the man I love and married. They have made a great contribution to my life, and I am grateful. - Connie Smith Roberts, Rio Rancho, N.M.

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How to checklist:

1 Pray for help; realize family relationships are eternal.

2 Welcome in-laws into your home; make them feel included, appreciated.

3 Respect them; do not speak negatively, be forgiving.

4 Involve them in your lives; visit, phone often; include pictures, drawings in letters.

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WRITE TO US:

Dec. 9 "How to keep Christ in your heart and mind all year, not just during holidays."

Dec. 16 "How to help elderly loved ones with their finances."

Dec. 23 "How to feel peace and contentment today, rather than always looking to the future for happiness."

Dec. 30 "How to apply the two great commandments (love of God, love of fellowman) in your life."

Jan. 6 "How to increase gospel knowledge through daily study of the Book of Mormon."

Jan 13 "How to help yourself or a loved one break the cycle of compulsive behavior."

Jan. 20 "How to help young people want to dress modestly and with dignity."

Had any good experiences or practical success in any of the above subjects? Share them with our readers in about 100-150 words. Write the "How-to" editor, Church News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, Utah 84110, send fax to (801) 237-2121 or use internet E-mail: Churchnews@desnews.com. Please include a name and phone number. Contributions may be edited or excerpted and will not be returned. Due to limited space, some contributions may not be used; those used should not be regarded as official Church doctrine or policy. Material must be received at least 12 days before publication date.