Located in the northeast United States, our ward encompasses 28 townships and boroughs, six school districts and portions of two counties. The total population within our boundaries approaches 250,000, of which just under 400 are members of our ward. Needless to say, we work, play, attend school and socialize with our non-member friends a great portion of nearly every day. The following helps in tolerating others' lifestyles, yet not compromising our values:

- Remembering that many of us are converts. When we choose to join the Church, we abruptly change our lifestyles. Therefore, we shouldn't judge others who do not yet have the restored gospel.- Realizing that our non-member friends do not consider their own activities or behavior to be wrong. Most people do belong to a church and worship the Lord with love in their own way. We would not remain their friends for long if we constantly seemed to disapprove of their beliefs or lifetyles.

- Demonstrating our standards. Gospel seeds are planted by our examples.

Learning to love as Christ loves should be our goal. As we begin to experience Christ's mission and feel His spirit working through us, the question of "tolerance" will melt away and the question of "how may I best help and serve?" will take its place. - Kenneth A. Knight, Perkasie, Pa.

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How we did it:

`Pure love of Christ'

The main ingredient of tolerance is charity, "the pure love of Christ. Wherefore . . . , pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which He hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of His Son." (Moro. 7:47-48.)

When we love as God loves, we see the good in the individual and can offer friendship and uplift. When I was the only woman working in a print shop, I extended friendship in spite of the crude jokes, at the same time carefully showing that I would be more comfortable if they told their jokes when I was not in the area. Since I was non-judgmental and friendly, they respected my wishes. - Jan Dickson, Hawthorne, Calif.

Reserve judgments

I have learned to deeply love many people while not condoning their sometimes-negative lifestyles. They know my standards, mostly from observation, and I have never once been asked to compromise them. In fact, the opposite is most often true; they try to support my standards. They know I love them and they do not want to jeopardize that love by expecting me to do something I don't believe I should do. In the meantime, I get lots of love and respect in return for that given. - Vea Lynn P. Jarvis, Pleasant Grove, Utah

Be constant

Most of my life I have worked and mingled with people who had different lifestyles than my own. Early on in school, serving with U.S. Marines and as a newspaperman and sports promoter, I learned a tolerance that set a pattern throughout my life. The problem is how to be tolerant and at the same time not be pressured to compromise principles. At the very beginning, my standards are made known and I am constant. After only a short time, others are stepping forward to defend my choices. People will say, "Oh, he doesn't drink," or "He's a Mormon" or something similar. The feeling and concern for a fellowperson whose lifestyle is different should always be friendly and gracious. - Al F. Fenn, Phoenix, Ariz.

Dual perspective

I think one of the most valuable things I learned while working on a social work degree is what social workers call a "dual perspective." For the first perspective, you must define what is important to you - things like your religious beliefs, family and cultural traditions. It might be helpful to write these down. Conscious recognition of our values and our own unique differences help each one of us with a sense of identity and a commitment to not compromise our standards. For the second perspective, you recognize that everyone's differences are because of their own unique life's experiences, family traditions, possible different cultural or even religious beliefs. With the knowledge of these two perspectives, you can be less judgmental of others. Being non-judgmental can give us sensitivity and understanding of others' situations and help us to be better disciples of Christ. As we live the Lord's commandments and pray for His help, He will bless us with an ability to see how others view the world and at the same time help us be true to our own standards. - Jerri Jones, Mesa, Ariz.

Pray for patience

- Let others know what your standards are. It is often easier for them to understand and respect you if they know your background.

- Find out how they feel about things and why they live the way they live.

- Realize that if they really feel that you intend to live up to your standards and that you are unwavering they will at least not try to change your mind. In fact, they more likely will encourage you in your endeavor.

- Do not apologize for your beliefs and standards.

- Tell them if you cannot agree with some of their behavior, but also let them feel that you love and care for them nonetheless.

- Pray for patience and for them.

- Don't try to force your standards and point of view on them - a force always creates a counter force. - Hagen Hasse, Darmstadt, Germany

Gained a deeper love

Last year, we had the privilege of caring for my husband's parents following his mother's back surgery. We moved them into our home where I could care for her post-operative needs and help him as well, as he had previously suffered two strokes and during the time he was with us he had two more strokes. I was troubled by how we would deal with the difference in our lifestyles - particularly the Word of Wisdom standards. At one point I received a priesthood blessing and was told that though they had chosen not to live the gospel on the level I wanted to live it that the Lord loved them and wanted the best for them and that I was the "best" for them right now. The lifestyle problems didn't seem quite so important. We decided instead to invite them into our family prayers, family councils and family home evenings.

Through this experience I learned a great deal about my in-laws and gained a much deeper love for them. I am grateful we had this opportunity. They are in their own home again. When I am with my mother-in-law she will frequently comment on those differences in our lives. I think she has come to respect our beliefs and I respect her agency to have her cup of tea or coffee. And I love her very much. - Barbara J. Groen, West Valley City, Utah

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How to checklist:

1 Have charity; look for the good in others, don't judge.

2 Don't compromise gospel values; you will gain respect.

3 Understand perspective, background of others.

4 Never force your standards on others; be respectful.

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WRITE TO US:

June 24 "How to rid yourself of self-pity."

July 1 "How to overcome personal barriers to making friends."

July 8 "How to benefit from institute of religion as a college-age young adult."

July 15 "How to help young people learn about the legacy left by the pioneers of every land."

July 22 "How to maintain appropriate relationships among family members separated by divorce."

July 29 "How to be aware of and attentive to the needs and feelings of your spouse."

Had any good experiences or practical success in any of the above subjects? Share them with our readers in about 100-150 words. Write the "How-to" editor, Church News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, Utah 84110, or send fax to (801) 237-2121. Please include a name and phone number. Contributions may be edited or excerpted and will not be returned. Due to limited space, some contributions may not be used; those used should not be regarded as official Church doctrine or policy. Material must be received at least 12 days before publication date.