Most fathers want to do their best. To do his best, the first thing a father should know is that the greatest gift he can give his children is to love and care for their mother.

That's the opinion of Alan J. Hawkins, BYU Family Sciences assistant professor, a nationally known scholar who has researched various aspects concerning the influences of fathering."That foundation [of a father who loves his wife] is so critical to the stability of the home. It is something children desperately need to see in this period of time," he said in a recent interview.

In this day and age, he explained, male-female relationships are politicized, and abuse, neglect, disrespect and distrust abound; and so often in the media, love is portrayed as a shallow relationship.

He said that according to research, father-child and husband-wife relationships are influenced by each other. "The quality of a marriage is influenced by the quality of child-rearing, and there is good evidence that how good a father you are when your children are young has an influence on how good your marriage is in the middle years."

Brother Hawkins emphasized: "Parenting is a package deal. It is about family. It is not just about father and the children, but it is also about mothers."

Current trends of families growing more fragile suggest that in the future fathers ought to be more involved with their children's lives to provide them security and love.

Some of the traditional ideas of masculinity will be expanded as men become loving, strong and affectionate, he said.

"We see marriage continuing to be a fragile institution; over 30 percent of the children born in this country are born without fathers present in the home.

"More and more men will go throughout life without any fathering experiences. That's going to be tragic, not only for the children but for the men. Children help men develop into strong, mature, loving moral adults. Without that, we are going to see more of a moral degeneration among the men.

"If a father leaves, is distant or absent much of the time, his development gets shortchanged," he said. "Although it sounds a bit stereotypical, children force parents to grow up and learn to moderate their own egocentrism.

"Most wives also experience profound development with marriage, children, and their decisions toward work, career and/or community work. Active motherhood can make a parent more functional."

Brother Hawkins often quotes President Harold B. Lee, who said:

"Remember always that the most important of the Lord's work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes. You must keep family ties strong." (Stand Ye in Holy Places, p. 255.)

Finding time to be a good parent can be a challenge, said Brother Hawkins.

"Men must learn to balance their family obligations with those of employment if they are to be good fathers.

"Most men that we talk to put a lot of effort in work, and realize it is important to the well-being of their family," explained Brother Hawkins. "But they also sense the conflict of not having time to spend with children. Some men do a better job of balancing work than others, but there is no question that men have to balance work and family."

This dedication to employment can make it difficult to find time for children. "When we talk about quality time versus quantity time, we are talking about fitting children into the small amounts of time that parents have, but children operate on their own schedule. There is a good chance that a parent's quality time is not a child's quality time. In those situations where we have to make the best of the time we have, that is a real challenge."

He said men need to accept the fact that fathering is hard work. "We get up in the morning, we get to work. We strive to be better and more competent, and as the nature of the work changes, we have to learn new skills. It takes dedication and commitment and it comes from within, rather than playing a role that has been scripted for us by outside parties."

Brother Hawkins believes knowing what to do isn't a complicated matter for most fathers. "There is a lot of good fathering inside men, and as they expend their energy on behalf of their children with love and with their desire to care for them, they will be good fathers.

"I honestly believe the essence of good fathering comes from within; the commitment we have to our children is our primary resource."

One suggestion he has for fathers to be effective is to "be involved in the day-to-day work that goes on in the home." This, he said, is "a very fruitful ground for fathers and children to build relationships and strong connections."

"Fathers and children working together in the home - doing the dishes, or having fun cleaning up the room, or vacuuming, or whatever. The thing I strongly recommend is that fathers pick up that dishrag and wash dishes with the children and after that is done, go have a little bit of fun."

Single fathers have a serious challenge in regards to time, he said. "Seeing children only during visitation rights is hard on these fathers. Having their relationships constrained by law is tough; it is not comfortable. Children want parents available to them when they need them, not when the court says they can. We need to use that time and use it well."

Single fathers can be more effective if they resolve problems that existed with the ex-wife and develop a working relationship, he believes. "Have respect for the child's mother. There is no question that the more difficult that relationship between divorced parents is, the quicker the bond breaks down between the children and the father."

Fathers in this situation should not succumb to the temptation to move away to avoid the pain associated with the breaking up of their family. Rather, they should maintain contact with their children. Some fathers, continued Brother Hawkins, give children their telephone numbers at work and secretaries are instructed to give children's calls priority.

"Divorced fathers may have to go out of their way to do more creative things like that, to make extra effort to let their children know `I still love you, I still want to be in your life.' And the children need to feel very strongly that they are not going to lose that relationship."

Brother Hawkins listed four areas of responsibility for fathers:

1. Developmental work - Helping children grow and develop and change. "This requires growth and change and flexibility on the father's part as well. That is what childhood is about: the process of becoming more competent, more sophisticated, smarter and stronger. The world is a complicated place and fathers need to help their children learn to function in the world."

2. Relationship work - Teaching children trust by having trusting relationships with their children. "Children then feel good, they feel connected, they feel bonded, they feel like `This person loves me more than any person in the world; they do everything for me.' This takes a lot of time and a lot of doing things together. It means telling your children that you love them, and hugging them. Relationship work is critical.

3. Stewardship work - Filling children's physical and material needs. "Children need food and shelter and clothing. They need safety and protection. Those needs must be provided and fathers play a critical role. Children, especially teenagers, can be very demanding of parents' resources and they appreciate their parents very much for those resources. Sometimes they are a little immature, but this is part of development."

4. Ethical work - Guiding and teaching their children to do what is right. "Fathers need to teach children what is moral and good. They need to show them by example as well as teach them by precept. Parents have to sacrifice in showing them what it means to be a good and moral person. Fathers need to show that they are committed to that relationship and to the family because that is what a moral person does."