I am a retired teacher and elementary school librarian of some 32 years. In addition, I have struggled with shyness all my life. I suggest the following:

- Make regular dates to spend time alone with the shy child. Talk about things the child likes and is interested in.- Avoid criticizing him or her for being shy. Accentuate the positive. Call attention to the smallest successes.

- Tell the shy child you love her or him. Help him or her feel like a valued member of the family whose help you really need.

- Use family home evening to help a shy youngster practice talking to a group in a comfortable, home setting. Help him or her be successful with any assignment you may choose to give for that purpose.

- Use the walls of the shy child's room to display items that show the child's successes, such as art work or well-done school work. Don't forget to invite visitors to your home to look at them.

- Allow the shy child to spend time with grandparents and other older members of the family. They make great, non-critical listeners.

- Take advantage of all the opportunities that the Church offers children and youth. This includes such things as group activities, giving talks, Sharing Time in Primary, classes, dances, youth conferences, etc.

- Take an active interest in the child's school work and activities. Ask for teacher conferences and find out what you can do to help.

- Offer the child lessons in activities of interest, if you can afford it. If this is too expensive, encourage participation in the school band, chorus, language club or the child's favorite sport team.

- Encourage writing and journal-keeping at the earliest possible age. I know from very personal experience that this helps shy people work through and sort out their feelings.

- Help the child recognize that everyone has feelings of shyness at some time or another. Shy children might discover that once they actually start an activity that's hard for them, the feelings of shyness become less or even go away. - Sue A. Osbourn, Waveland, Miss.

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What we did:

Sense of security

As a shy learner, I like to stand on the sidelines to study things out, get comfortable and into the new experience. My parents allowed me to do this at my own pace as I grew up. They armed me by helping me develop self-worth, pointing out my talents and strengths, giving me love. I always felt a great sense of security because of their understanding support and the gospel teachings. This has helped me as I "overcome" shyness in each of life's new experiences. - Elaine Nelson, Idaho Falls, Idaho

Messages of love

My husband and I taught our 6-year-old daughter:

- "Pretty girl, I love you so! Pretty girl, your Heavenly Father loves you eternally!" It's fun to sneak this message to our daughter when we cuddle her.

- All children are pretty because Heavenly Father made them, just like all the flowers in our garden are pretty.

- You are becoming good at a talent that makes people happy. Our daughter takes ballet.

- There are good times to be shy, and there are bad times. For example, it's good to be shy around strangers your parents don't know. It's wrong to be so shy you won't be around those people who would help or who you could help.

- When you feel shy because people compliment you or pay attention, you only have to smile and say a simple, "Thank you." - Mara Meservy, Las Vegas, Nev.

Positive thoughts

Children can be taught thought patterns. I learned that my own negative thoughts about myself are projected to others and then I behave toward them as if they thought that about me. I can stop this cycle by asking, "Whose thoughts are these?" I can also:

- Tell myself I am in charge of my own thoughts and feelings.

- Choose to stop thinking for others, since they do their own thinking anyway.

- Choose to think positive thoughts about myself.

- Choose to accept myself as a person of worth and value, though not yet perfect, which will help break down the barriers between me and others.

- Allow others to know me better because I am also a child of God and worth knowing. - Jonathan M. Chamberlain, Orem, Utah

Build self-worth

The first thing to remember is that not everyone is an outgoing, gregarious type of person. Accepting children for who they are is the most important thing we can do to build feelings of self-worth. However, we need to recognize and take advantage of opportunities that are provided at Church, school and in the community for personal development.

Our daughter, now nearly 16, was so shy when she was younger that she would often cry when asked to give a talk. We would work with her until she felt comfortable with what had been prepared, and then we gave lots of moral support when the day arrived.

When she entered the 4th grade, we involved her in the school band program where she could excel as an individual, yet be "hidden" in the larger setting of the band.

When she entered high school, we encouraged her to find an area of interest and begin participation there. Her freshman year was spent in track and cross-country events. She learned to overcome her fears and nervous jitters by concentrating on the task at hand.

During her sophomore year, she discovered the Future Farmers of America program and became involved in raising sheep. Since then she has participated in local fairs and has spoken to groups of elementary school children about her lambs. - Chuck and Therese Steadman, Hemet, Calif.

Love the children

- Recognize that shyness alone is not a negative quality. Modesty, meekness, humility and lowliness of heart might all be considered synonyms of "shyness." Mary exhibited these qualities when she "kept all these things and pondered them in her heart." (Luke 2:19.)

- Recognize that the Lord can make weak things strong. (See Ether 12:37.)

- Above all, love the children! - Daniel Bay Gibbons, Salt Lake City, Utah

Think of others

Having been excruciatingly shy as a child and young person, let me tell you what has worked for me.

Using the Savior's example of selflessness, I began to try to think of others' feelings before my own.

In an effort to be more like the Savior we will put the needs and feelings of others ahead of worries about how we are being perceived.

Through prayer from a heart willing to overcome this handicap, our Father will give opportunities and confidence to put it behind us. - Beth Houghton, Cypress, Calif.

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How to checklist

1. Avoid criticism; accentuate the positive; express love.

2. Take advantage of opportunities Church offers children.

3. Encourage involvement in school, other activities.

4. Be patient; let child grow at own pace; be accepting.

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Write to us:

March 2 "How to make your home physically safe for children, other loved ones."

March 9 "How to help young people refrain from gambling."

March 16 "How to have a feeling of wholeness in the home although yours is a single-parent family."

March 23 "How to mend a relationship in which you have hurt another."

March 30 "How to help children learn tolerance, understanding of those of other faiths."

April 6 "How to show respect, be polite while on a date as a young person."

Had any good experiences or practical success in any of the above subjects? Share them with our readers in about 100-150 words. Write the "How-to" editor, Church News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, Utah 84110, send fax to (801) 237-2121 or use internet E-mail: Churchnews@desnews.com. Please include a name and phone number. Contributions may be edited or excerpted and will not be returned. Due to limited space, some contributions may not be used; those used should not be regarded as official Church doctrine or policy. Material must be received at least 12 days before publication date.