A major trial has caused myself and my children to really rely on the Lord. Our prayers were more consistent, more meaningful. The Lord blessed us with peace and comfort continually.

One of my children was having the most difficult time. I took her to a dear friend in the ward, and she received a priesthood blessing. This gave her the peace and comfort that she needed to get through the tough times.Our bishop was very sensitive and caring and took the time to visit with us often and regularly. He did much fasting and prayer on behalf of our family. I knew that people were praying for us because of the feelings that I felt. The Lord carried us much of the time.

The following also helped:

- Being sent by our bishop to LDS Social Services for counseling. We received the help from a counselor who understood the seriousness of what had gone on in our home and helped us get the help we needed from outside sources.

- Sitting and talking as a family about what had happened. Releasing pent-up feelings and listening is very important. I had to allow each family member to talk about their feelings and tried to get the ones who could not express their feelings to open up.

- Fasting and praying. Faith and trust in the Lord is what is needed.

The most important factor for healing is time and patience. I learned that things don't happen in my time frame. And, yes, there are still hurdles and struggles to get through. Forgiveness and replacing trust are the two most difficult of all to do. I realize not all circumstances have happy endings, but the Lord has granted our family a miracle for which we will be forever grateful. - Name withheld, California

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What we did:

Avoid bitterness

Seek your Heavenly Father in prayer. He understands and knows what's in your heart.

Share feelings with other family members. Avoid wallowing, bitterness, anger or disillusionment.

Pray together and ask the Lord for guidance, direction and strength to endure this challenge. Listen carefully for answers.

Separate your feelings toward the family member from the deep hurt. It is possible to love the sinner while hating the sin.

Read the scriptures on forgiveness and remember the Savior's great example.

Ask for the Lord's help in forgiving the family member. Holding a grudge can be destructive.

As part of the healing process, reach out to the family member. Forgiveness and love can work miracles! - Cleo Price Molinet, Midvale, Utah

Be patient

Years ago, I was betrayed and devastated by my former husband and father of my two young children. Recently, I was able to help a family member who found herself in the same circumstances. I would like to offer the following in helping those in pain:

- Be patient. Initially, individuals may withdraw, even at times reacting in a manner inconsistent with what we know to be right, such as not wanting to face people at Church. This is almost always a temporary reaction.

- Listen. People in pain need to talk about what happened, often over and over, in order to put events and feelings into perspective. Be available through telephone calls, cards, visits, etc.

- Reassure and validate the wounded, who often blame themselves.

- Apply gospel principles. The Savior is the great Healer. We need time and patience.

- Pray for them. Place names on the prayer roll.

- Do special acts of service for children. This helps both the parent and the child.

- Notify the person's bishop. Ward members can be sensitive and give love and help. - Name withheld, Maryland

Contrite heart

I would suggest the following for those responsible for the hurt in the family:

- Know facts. Give no value to lies.

- Do as Lord asks; repent, apologize, seek forgiveness of Lord and those offended; where possible, make restoration/restitution.

- Forsake such past acts in the present and future.

A contrite heart and open humility must be part of person's immediate attitude and acts. One cannot overlook wrong doings or cover up with lies and additional wrong acts.

Healing becomes easier by turning away from blaming childhood, parents, genes or being tired. - Arden E. Roney, Newport Beach, Calif.

Power of forgiveness

As an adult survivor of child sexual abuse, I have learned the power of forgiveness and the Atonement of Jesus Christ much more in my life now that I have chosen to get professional help through the LDS Social Services program. With lots of prayer, fasting, searching the scriptures and spending time in the temple, we are now closer as a family and trust is again in our family. - Name withheld, Hawaii

`Who are we to condemn?'

I believe that in order to heal a family, we must believe and accept the Atonement of Christ. We must forgive one another. Have sisters' or brothers', parents' or ex-spouses' unkind actions or words hurt us more than our Savior hurt for us on Calvary?

We must now ask the image we see in our mirror, "Who are we to condemn one another?"

It is not always easy for us to forgive. However, being crucified for the sins of man wasn't easy for Christ either. But it was done. - M.L. Brown, Draper, Utah

Take responsibility

I am the loved one who caused deep hurt in my family. The most important and healing thing I can do is to repent. I have to take responsibility for my actions and be accountable to my family members, the Church and society.

I have to do everything I can to recognize my wrongs, make restitution, forsake the sin and do all I can to live in accordance with commandments. Through the Atonement, hurts can be healed and hearts mended. - Name and location withheld

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How to checklist:

1 Seek the Lord for peace, comfort; fast, pray for help.

2 Seek professional counseling, if needed; consult with priesthood leaders.

3 Discuss feelings as a family; urge openness; be patient.

4 Learn to forgive, have faith in Christ's atonement; bitterness can be destructive.

*****

WRITE TO US:

Aug. 8 "How to help your wife feel more appreciated as a homemaker."

Aug. 15 "How to help your husband feel more appreciated as a provider."

Aug. 22 "How to protect your testimony."

Aug. 29 "How to plan ahead for the different stages of life."

Sept. 5 "How to cope with the sudden loss of employment."

Sept. 12 "How to care for your children when they misbehave in public."

- Also interested in letters on these topics: "How to avoid greed," "How to make transition from being newly married to becoming new parents," "How to overcome compulsive eating," "How to avoid the gambling trap."

Had any good experiences or practical success in any of the above subjects? Share them with our readers in about 100-150 words. Write the "How-to" editor, Church News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, Utah 84110, send fax to (801) 237-2524 or use internet E-mail: forum@desnews.com. Please include a name and phone number. Contributions may be edited or excerpted and will not be returned. Due to limited space, some contributions may not be used; those used should not be regarded as official Church doctrine or policy. Material must be received at least 12 days before publication date.