What we did: Death of a spouse
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WELCOME OUTLET
A visiting teacher I had in Provo, Utah, was a young widow. We talked about some of her feelings, and she said something that has always stuck with me. "I'm never upset for someone to ask about my husband. It does make me upset for people to avoid the subject as if he never existed. I loved him and love to talk about him."
Ever since then I ask people about deceased children or spouses. I've found that they do love to tell stories and even if they cry, it is a welcome outlet for them. — Vicki Renfroe, Alvin, Texas
SAFE ENVIRONMENT
The most helpful and healing support you can give is to let the family member feel they have a safe environment to express themselves. They do not want your opinion. They need to be able to express their fears, grief, anger and any other emotion they may want to vent. Your challenge is to be quiet and let them talk. Do not try to fill in the gaps. They will — when it is time. Be there to listen, to love and to support, but do not judge them or foist your feelings and fears on them. — Sandi Eakett Hudson, Mesa, Ariz.
BE THERE
LISTENING EAR
People have to realize that the family who has lost a loved one has a need to continue to talk about them. You really don't have to say much — just an open heart and a listening ear. Reassurances such as, "It was God's will or they are better off now," do not console the bereaved. Those who say those things mean well but saying nothing and listening far out weighs those statements. — Pam Soha, Roseville, Calif.
SHOW AN INTEREST
SERVE THEM
Serving is the best way to show that we love and care. When my father died, people came and cleaned the house, painted rooms, did laundry, cooked meals and did other small, random acts of kindness. It touched me greatly to see how much these people cared for us by what they did for us. — John Baer, Stockholm, Sweden
WRITE DOWN MEMORIES
Write down your memories of the loved one and share them with the bereaved. Encourage him/her to write down memories, thoughts feelings about the loved one, even a life story. Suggest compiling a book of pictures of the loved one. It helps the grieving process and is a treasure to look at again and again. — Maria Elena Dahlquist, Payson, Utah
