Days of Thanksgiving for adoptive couple
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Upstairs in a drawer in the home of Tom and Rebecca Schaefer is a little white pacifier. Nearby in a closet is a tiny white suit — special keepsakes of the day 6-month-old Thomas Isaac became theirs forever.
Sitting in their living room in West Jordan, Utah, the first-time parents described a day of "wonderment" when the baby boy they adopted was sealed to them in the Salt Lake Temple. On the wall above Sister Schaefer is a pencil sketching her mother did years ago of a young Rebecca falling asleep in a chair with a book spread on her lap. Cherry-painted walls make the black and white drawing stand out. Upstairs in a light blue-shaded nursery, a now-10-month-old "Zack" takes an afternoon nap.
"Once Zack came along, it made everything worth it," said Brother Schaefer, a 30-year-old chemist, in recalling six years of trying to have children — years of self-doubt, tears, bewilderment, followed by peace and faith. "Once Zack got here, I really had more of a feeling of what love is. I can tell you there is not a person I love more than Zack, other than my wife."
The soft-spoken new father described the love he has for Zack and the journey he and his wife walked to adoption as a "learning experience." The love that filled his heart the first time he held his baby son he realized is the love "the Lord has for me," he said.
And despite the heartache of years of infertility, he said, with emotion, "Really, there is not another way I would rather have learned this."
Brother and Sister Schaefer of the Oquirrh 9th Ward, West Jordan Utah Oquirrh Stake, are among the some 10 percent of infertile couples for whom doctors can find no medical reason for their inability to conceive. They recently spoke with the Church News about the miracle of adoption in their lives — with November being National Adoption Month — and what adoption means to them this Thanksgiving season.
"This Thanksgiving should just be 'gratitude-giving,' " Brother Schaefer said, "to have such a change in your life, especially something you've been waiting for for six years. It gives you a joy and a humbleness rolled into one."
The 29-year-old new mother didn't think, until now, that any Thanksgiving could ever be better than last Thanksgiving. Just before the holidays, she and her husband were "announced" to, a term used by LDS Family Services when telling prospective adoptive parents that a birth mother has selected them for parenthood. Then, the night before Thanksgiving 2003, they met Zack's birth mother and birth father — a young couple whom Tom and Rebecca Schaefer speak of with love, compassion and heartfelt gratitude.
For Brother Schaefer, who began dating his wife a decade ago, it was "like looking back 10 years."
The Schaefers met on a blind date while he was in the U.S. Army stationed at Fort Hood, Texas. After several years of dating, they married in May 1998. They wanted children right away. He had a degree in chemistry. She had her degree in early childhood development. All her preparation was toward motherhood. "I became a teacher to be a good mother," she related.
A year passed. Then, they sought medical help. There followed two years of fertility drugs, which made Sister Schaefer so sick she sometimes couldn't stand up. She got headaches, and put on weight, a common side effect of the drugs. Finally, their doctor told them that he didn't know why they weren't conceiving, that they were among the 10 percent with no reason.
"I was crushed. I was so angry," Sister Schaefer recalled. "But I also had hope."
Clearly, she thought, this is a matter of faith. So she went to their bishop in Bourbonnais, Ill., and said, "If you give me a blessing, I'll be healed."
But instead of being promised she would conceive, she was told something she did not expect: "This is not the Lord's time and (for me) not His way."
Later, crying, she called her older brother, to whom she is particularly close. After quietly listening to his heartbroken sister, he said, "What you don't understand is that you were healed. It just isn't time."
From that moment on, Sister Schaefer said, "I had that peace."
For Brother Schaefer, it was a "feeling of bewilderment. A lot of the time we were childless, the feeling was, 'What am I doing wrong?' Everyone has this dream. You have this family. (My feelings were), 'How could I not have done what I needed to do to have what I always wanted?' "
Such feelings are common among infertile couples.
Then, in 2001, with Brother Schaefer's company laying off employees, the couple felt prompted to move to Utah. Three times they went to LDS Family Services and began paperwork. Three times they quit. It still wasn't time.
Then, toward the end of 2002, "We were sitting in sacrament meeting. It was fast meeting. I turned to Tom and said, 'We need to put in our papers now.' And he said, 'Yes, we do.' "
They were approved through LDS Family Services by April 2003. Nine months later, on Jan. 12, 2004, a little red-haired baby boy was born. On July 29, Tom and Rebecca, with Thomas Isaac in their arms wearing his little white suit, entered the Salt Lake Temple. Sister Schaefer still cries when she recalls the words of the sealer, "Sister Schaefer, the Lord wants you to know there is more than one way to multiply and replenish the earth."
"It was a feeling of wonderment, to have this realization that he is ours," Brother Schaefer said.
"When we walked into the sealing room, Zack was already there. I saw him. He was so beautiful. I looked around and saw all the people I love. It was amazing," Sister Schaefer related, with tears in her eyes.
Today, they speak with affection for a young woman and young man who, in the midst of their own pain, gave a "gift without wanting anything in return. It was all about Zack," Sister Schaefer said.
What have the Schaefers learned? The young mother answers, "Heavenly Father answers our prayers big time with bells and whistles and ribbons."
• For more information on the Church's adoption services, see www.ldsfamilyservices.org
E-mail: julied@desnews.com
