OAKLAND, Calif. — Forging a lifetime of steadfast dedication is more important than fanatical bursts of excess, Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve told college-age single adults during the May 1, 2005, Church Educational System fireside.

Photo by Andrea Pimentel

Elder Dallin H. Oaks greets one of the college-age young adults arriving for CES fireside at Oakland, Calif. Elder Oaks was the fireside speaker.

Photo by Andrea Pimentel

Sister Kristen Oaks

Photo by Andrea Pimentel

Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Elder Oaks addressed about 2,000 young single adults at the multi-stake auditorium on the grounds of the Oakland California Temple and, by satellite broadcast, tens of thousands more gathered in meetinghouses in other parts of the world.

Speaking with Elder Oaks at the fireside was his wife, Kristen.

The theme of his address, Elder Oaks said, came from a quote by former U.S. presidential candidate Adlai E. Stevenson about patriotism: "What we need are not short frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the steady and tranquil dedication of a lifetime."

"I will use this description of patriotism as a formula for how we should live the gospel," Elder Oaks said.

Then he gave some examples in which steadfast dedication is preferable to fanaticism.

The first example was patriotism. He said, it can be carried to extremes if it overrides other responsibilities, including family and Church.

Exclusive occupation with a particular doctrine or commandment of the gospel is another example, in which fanaticism is like playing one key over and over on a piano keyboard "to the exclusion or serious detriment of the full harmony of the gospel keyboard," he said.

The next example he cited was sacrificing beyond what "the Lord and His leaders have asked of us at this time." He said, "Persons who consider it insufficient to pay their tithes and offerings and to work in the positions to which they have been called can easily be led astray by cultist groups offering what I will call 'frenzied outlets' for their willingness to sacrifice."

"A fourth example concerns goals," he continued. While goal setting can be a good thing, he said, "an intense focus on goals can cause a person to forget the importance of righteous means. When that happens, a commendable steady dedication can be transformed into a dangerous frenzy of excess."

Elder Oaks said, "I have tried to give examples of the importance of a lifetime of steadfast dedication and I have warned against the dangers of carrying good principles to excess. If I have not yet succeeded in challenging you to look to your own behavior, perhaps my last subject will do so."

He said a trend among young adults to "postpone adult responsibilities, including marriage and family, is surely visible among our LDS young adults."

A particular problem, he added, is that instead of pairing off for dates, young adults are turning to "hanging out."

"You apparently know what this means, but I will describe it for the benefit of those of us who are middle-aged or older or otherwise uninformed. Hanging out consists of numbers of young men and young women joining together in some group activity. It is very different from dating.

"For the benefit of some of you who are not middle-aged or older, I also may need to describe what dating is. Unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport. Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one associations and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases."

He listed factors that have made dating an endangered species:

"One, the cultural tides in our world run strongly against commitments in family relationships. . . . Dating involves commitments, if only for a few hours. Hanging out requires no commitments, at least not for the men if the women provide the food and shelter.

"Number two, the leveling effect of the women's movement has contributed to discourage dating. As women's options have increased and some have become more aggressive, some men have become reluctant to take the traditional male initiatives, such as asking for dates, lest they be thought to qualify for the dreaded label of 'male chauvinist.'

"Three, hanging out is glamorized on TV programs about singles.

"Four, the meaning and significance of a 'date' has also changed in such a way as to price dating out of the market."

He suggested that dates should pass the test, defined by his 18-year-old granddaughter, of the three P's: "Planned ahead, paid for and paired off." But he said dates should be simple and more frequent, allowing "both men and women to 'shop around' in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects."

Continuing, he counseled, "My young brothers and sisters, follow the simple dating pattern and you don't need to do your shopping on the internet through chat rooms or dating services — two alternatives that can be very dangerous or at least unnecessary or ineffective."

To returned missionaries still holding to the group-activity patterns expected of teenagers, Elder Oaks said, "It is time for you to grow up. Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields a good prospect proceed to courtship. It's marriage time. That is what the Lord intends for His young adult sons and daughters. Men have the initiative, and you men should get on with it."

Turning his comments to the young women, he said, "Resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent." He told them to quit subsidizing freeloaders, to lock up the pantry and bolt the doors, hanging out a sign, "Will open for individual dates."

"And young women, please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date," he continued. "Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious. If we are to persuade young men to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment. Finally, young women, if you turn down a date, be kind. Otherwise you may crush a nervous and shy questioner and destroy him as a potential dater, and that could hurt some other sister."

Elder Oaks said, "My single young friends, we counsel you to channel your associations with the opposite sex into dating patterns that have the potential to mature into marriage, not hanging-out patterns that only have the prospect to mature into team sports like touch football. Marriage is not a group activity — at least not until the children come along in goodly numbers."

He encouraged the single young women to stop waiting for marriage and "prepare yourself for life — even a single life — by education, experience and planning."

At that point, he turned to his wife, Kristen, who spoke to the sisters from the perspective of one who didn't marry until later in life. She told them to be balanced between education, profession and preparation for family life.

"I would say to everyone in this room," she said, "always remember your first calling is as a mother or as a father and develop those talents, domestic talents, talents of love and talents of service."

Concluding, Elder Oaks asked that no one write him a letter claiming to be an exception to the rule in regard to his counsel. He said, "I only teach the general rules. Whether an exception applies to you is your responsibility. You must work that out individually between you and the Lord."

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