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Parenting young single adults

Published: Friday, Aug. 21, 2009

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PROVO, UTAH

Many parents, bishops and young single adult stake representatives asked questions and stated concerns for the emerging adults of the Church during a workshop by Blair G. Van Dyke at a presentation during BYU's Campus Education Week Tuesday afternoon, Aug. 18. In his remarks, Brother Van Dyke, who teaches in the Church Educational System, discussed the challenges facing young single adults today, the reasons why problems are prevalent and the role parents and grandparents play in young single adults lives.

"I have young single adults and any insight I can get to help me help them better is good for me," said an education week visitor Debbie Erb, of the South Mountain 3rd Ward, Draper South Mountain Stake. "I hope to have a better perspective — a more gospel perspective. It seems like we are so bombarded with the view of the world and what the world says the way things are suppose to be. When I come to education week I get back to the perspective of the gospel."

For many in attendance, it was a great time to learn more about their children and the challenges they face.

Citing the raising average age of marriage and the declining number of children being born across the globe, Brother Van Dyke spoke of the attack Satan is pursuing on the family as an institution by postponing adulthood and sometimes even parenthood all together.

"Many of you want to walk out of here with some very, very real reasons, and some real solutions," said Brother Van Dyke. "You'll walk out of here with some information on helping you know why."

He gave three reasons studies have found in the group of emerging adults, or the growing group of young adults prolonging their transition to adulthood.

The first reason he talked about was debt. According to Brother Van Dyke, studies show that 66 percent of this age group owe more than $10,000 in debt. Around 5 percent owe more than $100,000 in debt. Since 1992, he said, credit card debt has doubled among 18-24-year-olds. As debt increases, young adults are more likely to live at home with their parents for longer periods of time.

"If you've got [children] spending their [lives] at your house you might want to be asking, 'Are they in debt? Will that debt eat them and possibly paralyze them from keeping sacred covenants for years to come?'" said Brother Van Dyke. "Researchers ask why kids are still living at home, and the answer is to live with parents and dig themselves out of [debt]."

But money isn't the only thing keeping children living at home longer.

Another factor in the young single adult group is what Brother Van Dyke called the "iPod phenomenon." This represents a generation of kids with so many choices and used to things moving and improving so quickly. He said that just as a computer is updated almost as quickly as you bought it, this generation thinks "updates" in life will come quickly, making it hard to settle on a final decision. When it comes to dating, courtship and marriage, or other aspects of a young single adult's life like apartments and a job, they are left thinking there is another choice that will come along shortly, that will be better.

But there has to be a commitment, said Brother Van Dyke. "There comes a time when you choose, you make a commitment," he said. "People aren't iPhones."

The third reason Brother Van Dyke gave was that "work is a sandbox." After watching parents and friends move through different jobs they are more hesitant to do the same.

"They have seen people go from job to job," said Brother Van Dyke. "Instability around them in the workplace makes them hesitant to step out into that for fear that they will get run over."

Although these three factors are what researchers are reporting, Brother Van Dyke encouraged listeners to decide for themselves if they thought the results were accurate. He also invited listeners to decide how involved they would be in facilitating and providing in their children's lives.

"You grow into your use of agency and everybody is a little different," Brother Van Dyke said. "So to treat every young single adult in a cookie cutter sort of way is problematic."

By recognizing the reasons for young single adults' lifestyle, parents and leaders are more able to understand what they can do to foster spiritual growth.

"I love the young adult age," said Sister Erb. "It is such a great age of challenges and making decisions and the whole world is in front of [them]. I have learned that doing the best thing isn't always the easiest, but it will be the best in the end."

Classes on parenting and grand-parenting young single adults continue throughout the week, touching on subjects such as fostering moving beyond "hanging out," anticipating parenthood through eyes of faith, and strengthening the family by studying the Book of Revelation.

mholman@desnews.com